Thursday, December 11, 2008

my macho metro man

As defined by the Urban dictionary, a METROSEXUAL is this:

Modern enlightened, sort of rennasance man. Secure and confident, capable and cool, typically well educated and stylish. Heterosexual with a twist, not gay by any means, but he probally has a few gay friends, and can easily be mistaken for gay by rednecks and jock types.  The only straight guy in a fabric store or antique shop who is not being dragged there by a woman.

For years I've grappled for a classification suited for my husband.  You see, he's not exactly a metrosexual.  I'm pretty sure nobody would ever mistake him for gay, and he doesn't possess an overbearing, egocentric desire for trends or vanity.  Like this guy:

But, he most certainly has an eye for detail and on many occasions has entered a fabric or antique shop and liked it.  Even loved it!

On the other hand, he's very macho

 Always has been.  He likes his sports, soda, and woman just as much as the next guy.  If you ruffle his feathers, he puffs up his chest and you can sometimes see the testosterone pumping.  Pure man, right?

So you see.  We have somewhat of a dichotomy here.  These two contradictions must find a middle ground.  Which is where this new word originated: 


A METRACHO man is a cross between a metrosexual and a macho heterosexual.  In short, my man is a METRACHO man.

Here are some recent examples of his METRACHOness (with emphasis on the metro):

1.  Tuesday night he came home with four pairs of women's jeans for me that he had hand selected from The Buckle after an hour of searching for the precise sizes, long enough lengths, and "cute" pocket designs.  All because he knew my one pair of jeans that I've worn almost everyday for 2 years had seen better days, and he knew I would probably never go find myself a new pair.  Best part is....I can almost guarantee that he did all this selecting on his own without the help of a female employee.  And you know what?  The jeans fit like a glove!

2.  For my birthday this year, or maybe it was our anniversary, Troy went to Sally Beauty supply and bought all the necessary items to give me a home pedicure.  Complete with a hot soak, nail buffing, skin exfoliating, and massage.  I your heart out ladies!  

3.  It is not uncommon for us to be driving around quaint towns or holiday decorated shops and hear him say, "Those shops are so cute.  Wouldn't it be fun to get a hot chocolate and walk down the streets under the lights?"

4.  If you think I decorate my house alone, YOU ARE WRONG.  My man has opinions.  He wants things just a certain way.  He likes to house shop with me and discuss colors or furniture arrangements in great detail.   Sometimes I wish I'd just hear those words my dad used to mumble to my mom, "Whatever you want, honey." 

5.  While Troy is extremely talented at finishing concrete, laying brick, installing sprinklers, fixing garbage disposals, or adding decorative woodwork to our home, some of his real talents can be found in the kitchen.  He can do some pretty amazing things with a rack of spices!  He likes to dream up new recipes and get creative.  And if you think it stops there...oh no.  He also likes to make sure the presentation of the final meal is top notch.  Complete with a mint sprig or chocolate drizzle.

6.  When Troy and I first started dating, I tried to hide my love of the local COZY station.  I was somewhat of a closet listener who enjoyed singing the love hits through the ages.  It didn't take long to learn that the Cozy station was also his station of choice and he could keep up on a mean rendition of "We've only Just Begun" by the Carpenters.  This also goes right along with his enjoyment of Chick Flicks.  Thank goodness....since that's about the only type of movie I really like to see!

I'm telling you.  I married the most macho metrosexual on the planet.  And I love it!

Thanks babe for being you!  The hottest METRACHO around!

And just for any male readers who may be surprised by these new findings about your pal Troy...don't worry!  He is still VERY MACHO!  Just last week I saw him gnawing on a turkey leg and scratching himself in a public place.


jayniemoon said...

Man, I like that Troy. I can't decide if Jed is straight up metrosexual or metacho (did I get that right?) He has been mistaken as gay, does have gay friends. Jed, want to classify yourself?

ali said...

jayner...I would say jed is straight up Metro. no doubt. I mean, didn't he own man-pris at one time? (capris for men)

jayniemoon said...

True--I think he did! He is metro!

jed said...

false: never owned the man-pris. my ENORMOUS calves don't suit that cut.

i don't think i'm straight up metro, though, since i don't much give a hang for all the preening that goes into it. you have to care about hair products and getting pedicures. i'll freaking put hand lotion in my hair if it gives me what i want.

i also fear that i'm not as macho as i imagine in my head. i don't lay concrete, unplug drains or fix sprinkling systems without putting in that emasculating call to jayne's dad for help. i also don't watch football on tv.

but i can do a lot of pushups and i think my wife is super hot.

ali said...

i love it, jed! you convinced me with push-ups.

jayniemoon said...

I think his shorts are just so long they look like man-pris. Jed's brother for sure owned real ones though!

And Jed, you wear skull shoes--that is pretty tough.

jed said...

skull shoes are pretty tough, but they're just a facade.

i do like the hardware store, though. i have fantasies about having a big shed and a wood shop full of power tools and naked ladies (wait, did i go too far?)

Lori said...

I love this post! ROTFL :D
My man is definitely a metracho.
Your husband sounds like a carbon copy of mine!
I sometimes think I turned him into a metracho. Marriage will do that....
He is often saying "Lori, look at that cute house!" anytime we find a Thomas Kinkade cottage type. [totally my fault] He loves to cook [and like Troy is awesome at the presentation] and watches the Food Network for fun.[probably my fault for not having dinner ready on time] He does watch sports but mostly golf. He's nothing like the sports addicts I grew up with [Dad and brother].
He can out shop me any day of the week and spends hours obsessing over clothing and shoes when he shops. [not my fault] He always has an opinion when it comes to decorating our home, and the clothes, shoes, haircut I get, etc. He is very helpful with the kids and there is not a sexist bone in his body.

He would never get a MANicure, or pedicure though. And he's a macho man in every other way. I couldn't ask for a better handyman around here.

Amanda Jane said...

hubba hubba the whole package, lucky girl. except I completly empathisize with the beign too involved in the deocorating - which is why my house will never be "decorated". at least you can still get it done!!! enjoy it while you've got it right?

Chad said...

Troy... have you even read this post? Are you avoiding commenting (defending yourself) because you haven't read it due to your busy schedule of being a plumber, carpenter and host of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?

Ali, Metracho is a great word. I think Hady falls into this category... if I could only tell you how many times we were late to things in College because Hady had to get his hair just right.

Newmans said...

That is hilarious! I never knew those things about Troy, and never would've guessed. He's a catch!

Ben and Shara said...

Okay your classifications were perfect. I particularly love number 6. I happen to love Cozy, and I'm often found singing a Carpenter song or two, especially this season when we have Dalila on all the time. She really does play the best Christmas selection, and Ben loves it too.

I'd say my husband is also a Metracho. Any chance you'd like to clear up the pronunciation of that grand word?

kelly said...

I think we've definitely got a METRACHO around here...I mean, meticulously frosting your own birthday cake so it's "just so" is a dead Metro give away...and macho? yes indeed! thanks for the new word...I've finally discovered the appropriate title for my man! I love Metracho...what a perfect mix.

Oler Family said...

You are so funny! Troy sounds like so much fun! He reminds me of Orson from Desperate Housewives!! I love that he bought you jeans that is so sweet and I'm not even going to get started with the've got yourself a keeper Ali!!

Marie said...

Yes, i would love to hear Troy's take on this. William will do kind things for me but he doesn't want me to go bragging about it because it might make him look like a sissy to the other guys. He's too macho for all that stuff.

summer said...

Bryan is SO metro. He 100% has more pairs of designer jeans that I do. Sad but true!! This was a funny post!

Sarah said...

All I have to say is that you are SO lucky! Isn't it every girl's dream to have the balance of a macho metro man--? He can be sensitive and savvy. My husband is borderline sometimes...but I would kill for a Sally Beauty supply run from him. So Thoughtful.

Merry Christmas. You guys coming into town?

Jay and Gwen Sessions said...

Ali aka Blogger Queen: Isn't it time to update...we have. Hope you don't freeze in Idaho. I know Jack is loving it. Can't wait until we come down over New Years. See you then Love dad